Moments of Musing

My “Return to Work” Realization

Filed Under: motherhood //

I remember the dread of returning to work from maternity leave. The tears flowed weeks in advance. The anxiety of the unknown set in. The fear of missing out on all the milestones and firsts surfaced. 
I studied for 20 years to ultimately become an attorney. I have always been motivated and driven. I have prided myself on being a go-getter. The older I got, the more I couldn’t understand how my mom gave up her career to stay home with my brother and me. (For my parents, it was a mixture of what made the most financial sense and desire). Sure, I loved having her home but I didn’t really get it. How and why had she made such a big sacrifice?
Then, I got pregnant. I gave birth to my baby. I became a mom. And part of me did not want to go back to work (though I did for various reasons). I got it. I finally got it and I understood my mom. (I want to take a break here to formally say I’m sorry for not understanding, Mom.)

When I did return to my job a little over three months after giving birth, I (selfishly) missed being pregnant, mostly because it meant my little one was always with me. As absurd as it might sound, I wanted to be the one to carry him all the time, to spend all day with him, and to not have to miss him. 
Now that I’m better acclimated to being back at the office, I don’t miss being pregnant for that reason (as much, anyway). Because his little personality and curiosity is just so amazing … and though to share him with the outside world is as scary as it is amazing, seeing him grow and develop and flourish and happily interact with others, especially his Dada, is so worth it. 
To be honest, it’s a process. It took a bit of time to feel this way and to be okay with returning to my job. There are still days when I feel badly about it. Then, there are those other days, like when he was sick and only wanted me. Or when I heard him say “Mama” for the first time and when I saw him take his first steps. It’s as if he waited for me to get home from work to do those things. It’s as if he knows that I still want to be present for the all of his moments. That I’m still, and always will be, Mama. 
And in my heart, I know going back to work was a fine decision. I won’t miss out. He won’t forget me. I will always be Mama.

Unplugging

Filed Under: life, Unplugged Puerto Rico, Unplugging //

This past weekend we went to Michigan to visit my husband’s family. It was such a nice visit and honestly, I’m always sad when we part ways. They love me like I’m one of them and seeing how much they love my husband and our son makes me really appreciate them more. Family is so important to us so it’s hard to live away from them. Fortunately, we live near my family so we get family time in between visits with my husband’s side. 

Being present during family time is important, too. I tried my best not to be on my phone as much (though I couldn’t hold back as much on the last day during the NASCAR race we were watching lol) and there were many times I didn’t even know where it was because I hadn’t really been using it.

It seems like these days, more and more people are becoming overly attached to their phones, social media and what’s going on in other people’s lives. Who’s wearing what, who’s following you, what happened last night, etc.  

I’m sometimes one of them. I find myself spending too much time browsing social media, editing a photo or thinking of a witty caption … or falling down the rabbit hole looking at the profile of a friend of a friend of a friend. Then, I look up and see Sebastian staring at me, probably wondering what’s so good about it all because it takes my attention away from him. And I immediately feel guilty. 


This is why partway through Lent, I promised to be on my phone less, especially around Sebastian, and present more. This means lately, when I get on my phone I have a lot of texts (see: 102 from my girlfriends… we like to chat just a little…) and maybe some calls. But it also means I’m living in the moment more, which to me means experiencing life more fully. The more present I am, the more enjoyable moments are, and the less desire I to be on my phone and miss out.

As our island vacation approaches, I’m continuing with this process of unplugging (for the most part). I am going to try to unplug fully by not posting while we’re out and about, and maybe even for the whole vacation. It seems a bit ambitious and a little voice is telling me, “Baby steps, take baby steps” but I’m going to attempt it and I’m not going to worry about how many people unfollow me because I don’t post, or what I’m missing out on in the social media world. 

Because that’s what it is–a whole other not-as-genuine world. Life through little squares is so carefully curated–the good stuff is the messy, raw, behind-the-scenes experiences that make up real life. I want to cherish and relish in those. I want to be fully present for those. 

Crying at life’s good moments, too

Filed Under: life //

If you know me, you know I’m a crier. (For those who didn’t know, now you know.)  I’m not really a hugger. If I’m feeling emotion, I cry. That doesn’t necessarily mean I only cry during bad times. I cry happy tears too — and lately, those have been most of the tears I cry. 

When I found out I was pregnant

Sebastian’s first steps
Jack’s romantic monologue at the end of the This is Us season finale
I’m not sure the good cries have ever been this frequent, though. I remember “good crying” when I got into Penn State and then law school. And when I got my first big girl lawyer job and then when I passed the Illinois bar exam. When I got engaged to my husband. At our rehearsal and then at our wedding. Those are all pretty recent, though, and there was quite some time between each.
It seems my good cries have certainly increased. These days, just seeing my son smile can make me cry. It could simply be that my life is full of more good these days. It could be that as I’ve matured, I’ve grown to appreciate life, and really just everything, a whole lot more. It seems like I feel a whole lot more, too. And a whole lot of what I’m feeling is happiness. Pure, unfiltered, incomparable happiness. 
It’s probably most likely a combination of all those things. Whatever the reason(s), the good cries have been in abundance. I wouldn’t have it any other way. 

The Heart Knows

Filed Under: life //

From my drafts, written July 2014:

You had a nightmare. In it, you were not happy with your life. You wake up, knowing this has been weighing on you, knowing that something needs to change, and that you need to listen to your heart once and for all. You owe it to yourself, if no one else. You make the scary, heartbreaking (at the time) change and now you’re a really happy person and are confident in your place in life. You feel the love you’d dreamed of all your life.

You get the offer of a lifetime, except it’s in a different city. Halfway around the country, actually, in a different timezone. You don’t know but a couple people there. You get another offer close to home. WOW! How lucky… You really want the first job. Your heart is telling you it’s where you ought to start your career and that opportunity is knocking on your door. You cried so much thinking you wouldn’t get this opportunity and yet here you are crying because you are afraid to move. You know you have to follow your heart, so you do and you are so grateful you did.

You party like it’s 2008. Sloppy, drunken nights ensue whenever you go out with friends, which isn’t that often anymore. The issue is it’s not 2008 now. Now, you’re an adult. You have responsibilities. You live in a big city. You’re in a serious relationship. Alcohol feels like enemy whenever you indulge in it. Your heart has been telling you it’s time to move on. You haven’t listened because FOMO a.k.a. Fear Of Missing Out [on fun]. But life’s shown you that way just doesn’t fit in anymore. You don’t need anything but yourself, good music and/or company to have fun. Life’s more memorable this way, anyway, and your heart will be happier.

People sometimes say listening to your heart is a bad thing–that doing so causes irrational decision-making because it is fueled by emotion. I’m here to tell you quite the opposite. I wouldn’t do anything but listen to my heart because it has led me to 

where I am

who I am, and

 the life I live today. 

And I wouldn’t change any of it for the world.

The “B” word (the wedding kind)

Filed Under: wedding planning //

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Happy Wedding Wednesday! It’s been forever since I’ve posted anything wedding planning and wedding-related but I realize I’ve never written about this:

So you got engaged and you’ve set a date. What now? The budget is probably the most important wedding planning logistic. 

A recently-engaged friend of mine asked me about how much a wedding costs. This is difficult to answer because everyone’s budget and location is different, and location matters a lot (i.e. the average wedding in NYC costs $78,464 versus $19,522 in Arkansas). I advised her to think about vendors, to utilize the Knot’s price range tool, and not to be shy to ask for any sort of discounts that might apply to you. Hey, 10% is 10% and it surely adds up when each of your vendors is offering it to you.

Think about what vendors you want to use and what your budget for each is. If family is helping you financially, be sure to find out what their budget is, too, so you don’t go in over your head. 

When thinking of the many vendors, the main ones I was sure to book first were:
Venue
Bridal boutique/dress store
Ceremony location, if different from venue
Photographer(s)
Videographer(s)
Florist
Photo Booth, etc.
Then there are the other moving pieces:
Wedding Cake (this is sometimes included in the venue package)
Decor, DIY projects, etc.
Bridal/Groom Party Presents
Rehearsal Dinner 
Favors

It is SO easy to go overboard and over budget. 45% of couples do. So, my #1 piece of advice would be to be very mindful of your budget and try your very best to stay within it (after all, the most important aspect of the day is the marriage, not the wedding). You won’t regret it.