Moments of Musing

Why I’ve been wishing time away

Filed Under: motherhood //

These days I find myself looking ahead more and more. I look forward to going home when I haven’t arrived at work yet. I count down til lunchtime because it’s usually around then when I’ll video chat with the baby. I look forward to the weekend on Monday. 
The work days spent apart from him have sometimes felt long, other times fleeting. Regardless, each evening I rush home to kiss and cuddle and talk to him. When the clock hits 5PM, I have one goal: see my baby as soon as possible. 
I’ve never been a proponent for doing this–wishing time away. But then again I’ve never had this good of a reason. 
There is a silver lining, though. 
When I do get home, I rarely even look at my phone… because, above all, this working mom experience has given me a crash course in realizing the value of our time…

and let me tell you–it is precious.

Autumn’s Darkness

Filed Under: life, optimism, perspective, positivity //

We’re often so excited for fall that we forget the clocks jump forward. The days are shorter. The nights are longer. The sun goes down earlier. The dark arrives sooner. With it, autumn brings increased darkness.  
The darkness creeps in slowly at first. It’s barely recognizable and then it seems like all of a sudden, the dark hours arrive sooner and sooner. It’s hard to remember what it’s like to get out of work during daylight, to wake up during daylight, to arrive home during daylight. All of that suddenly happens in the dark. 
But while the darkness has certainly crept in, we mustn’t forget that light shines brightest in the dark. It’s most visible there. It stands out more. You know, the light never really goes away. 

It might be harder to find or take longer to get to or be more work than you want to put in, but the light is always there–if you just look for it. 


Better Than I Thought

Filed Under: Baby L, working mom //

I can’t believe it’s already Friday! The week went pretty quickly and I actually enjoyed it. Going back to work was difficult but the time leading up to it and the first day were the most difficult parts. 
The time since Monday has already felt routine. It’s gone much better than I ever imagined it would. I still feel tinges of guilt to be away and have to admit I’m looking forward to spending this long weekend with my boys, though. ::happy dance:: 
On Monday, my first day back, I sobbed as I left the baby. It was heartbreaking for me to fathom spending 11 hours away from him per day. I cried on the subway and at work. We video chatted (we have everyday) and I cried during that, too. Everyone at work was excited to see me, though, so that helped immensely.  
I received scary news about someone Monday night and Tuesday morning so my emotions were geared more towards that then. I think it helped put everything in perspective and I didn’t cry (sad tears) the rest of the week! 
On Wednesday I was able to go to Baby L’s three month appointment. He loved the doctors’ office fish tank but his shots–not so much. I’m so glad I was there to hold and cuddle him after he got his shots because he was not a happy camper, to say the least. 
I did cry yesterday but they were happy tears. I wrote the baby a letter (excerpts of which I plan to share on here sometime) and my husband read it and gave me feedback, which turned me to mush. When I get home from work each day, I wash my hands and immediately cuddle the baby. I don’t even go on my phone much until he falls asleep, and by that time all I want to do is sleep so I rarely even use it in the evenings.  
All in all, this week was a reminder that life is beautiful; time is precious; and I’m trying my hardest to be present, which I’m doing well at, so far. 

My Back-to-Work (From Maternity Leave) Plan

Filed Under: Baby L, motherhood, working mom //

Today is a day I’ve been dreading since before I gave birth. It’s my first day back to work following maternity leave. Instead of spending the entire day sulking yesterday, my loving husband obliged to a neighborhood family walk despite feeling under the weather, and I decorated for Halloween in hopes of lifting my spirits.  
Pretty little mums spotted during our walk
I am feeling a slew of emotions (I cried at least three times this morning) but I have decided to be proactive about this. I’ve come up with a plan of sorts to try my best to keep it together and not breakdown (too much, anyway) at work:
Breathe. Count my blessings. Having a job makes me fortunate. Working hard makes me proud. Be grateful. Paid maternity leave is unfortunately not guaranteed in the United States. At least I had slightly over three months to bond with my beautiful baby boy while still earning income. A lot of moms are not as lucky. In fact, I know some.
Be present when I am present, and try to be as present as possible when I am physically not. Stay off my laptop and cell phone as much as possible when I am home. FaceTime during lunchtime when I am at work. We’ll still be seeing each other, just sometimes it will be through technological features.
Keep everything in perspective. Remember I am working for him and our family. Though I was lucky enough to have a stay-at-home-mom, many moms work. In fact, most moms with kids under the age of 18 do.
Let myself be sad. Know that’s it’s okay to not feel totally okay about this, especially in the beginning. Let myself miss him. But also know that it will hopefully grow more routine, if not easier, with time. Don’t wallow in the sadness. 
Focus on the moments I (will) have, not the moments I’m missing. Enjoy my time with him. I will still make wonderful memories with my boy. He will not forget me. He will still love me. He will be excited when I walk in the door every day and he will still want and need his mommy at times. After all, even though I’m leaving him for the days, I’ll be in his heart all the time. I’m still mama.

What I’m looking forward to in October

Filed Under: Baby L, Halloween, October //

I’m writing this post in hopes of feeling more positive since I’ve had multiple meltdowns this week about going back to work. I don’t want to continue to lament on my negative feelings. Instead I want to tell you why I’m still more happy than I am sad for this time of year. 

We’re waiting until October, which is TOMORROW!, to get into full fall mode around our home and though I can wait for the month (it brings the end of maternity leave for me 🙁 ), I still love all the decor. 
I am excited to meet our new niece in Michigan and to experience it in the fall. I am looking forward to the change of foliage–it’s one of my favorite parts about the season. Then there’s the cooler weather. My hair stays straight AND I get to wear flannel, sweaters, scarves and boots. Win-win. Plus, dressing a baby in all of the aforementioned = all the heart eyes. 

I am looking forward to Mr. L and my dad’s birthdays, pumpkin picking and Halloween, especially as a family of three. We might or might not have already bought one of Baby L’s Halloween costumes (we totally did). We just couldn’t help ourselves and yep, we plan on dressing him up twice.

And then once Halloween has come and gone, my Christmas countdown begins. I know, i know–I’m kind of moving too fast. I reaally do want October to last but I’ve already bought the baby some Christmas pajamas and outfits because 1) I couldn’t pass up a great sale.and 2) let’s be serious, Christmastime is my absolute favorite 

The holidays are going to be so much more fun and meaningful with him.  I know, because life is so much more and meaningful fun with him in our lives.