first year of motherhood Archives

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It’s been a full year back at work after maternity leave. It’s both hard to believe and easy to see how a year has gone by. Last year leading up to my return to work, I had a few bouts with anxiety. I’d never really experienced it in my adult life so it felt weird and unwelcome, for sure.

Honestly, I thought my world was crashing and I did not want to return to work. I was scared S would forget about me and would love me less. That he would favor his dad. And that I was making a mistake. I brainstormed ways to work from home (mama still needs her money!) but ultimately, I made a plan, got dressed and went back.

Aside from a few first day tears, it went rather seamlessly. And I’ve grown more confident in our family decision since.

Here are some reflections I have one year later:

It’s still hard to part in the mornings.

Some mornings are easy breezy while others are more difficult. The less emotional S is when we part, the better our “see you laters” go. If I leave to work while my husband is still home or if they both leave for my parents’ house and I stay back, it’s no problem.

If I leave for work from my parents’ house, he wants to come with. So, my mom bundles him up and we all wait for the bus, which he loves, together. Basically, we’ve found our ways to minimize the morning tantrums and it makes me feel 10x better.

I still miss him every second we’re apart but I’ve come to terms with it and reconcile it with the fact that I simply love him very much. Heck, I sometimes even miss him when he’s asleep next to me.

I truly believe the time apart works in our favor.

Time to myself and adult interaction is key to my self care. Fortunately, I enjoy my job and like my co-workers, so I don’t dread my time at work. I actually look forward to returning after long stretches away from my office.

I also think S benefits from spending time with others. I believe it makes him more social and less anxious to be apart from us (I dealt with this whenever I had to be apart from my SAHM.) And the hellos after a day at work are so special–he usually runs up to me and says “Hi Mama!” with a big smile and hug. It makes me realize he loves me just the same.

I am happy to be able to do what I love and help provide for my family so we can live the life we do.

While I miss moments with S while I’m at work, I know our family is able to experience things we wouldn’t otherwise be able to if I stayed home. That’s just the nature of life, the cost of living in NYC and the cost of travel, as well as the life we want to give ourselves and our kids.

My husband and I are often discussing what city or continent we want to visit next, home ownership, and other things that require –at least at the moment– two salaries. We do discuss the prospect of me staying home sometime in the future but I don’t think I ever would full-time.

The truth is I’m a nerd–I yearn for challenges, new opportunities and ongoing learning… So, I believe I will always work in some capacity.

It wouldn’t be possible without the support of my mom, who watches S, which eases my nerves tenfold.

Leaving S home with my mom is a blessing. I am able to leave with no worries about his care and know he is in good hands. It helps me to know she’s supportive of my career goals. I give her so many kudos for spending all day chasing a toddler in her “retiree” years. But I know she and S enjoy their time together very much. And I know they’ll be closer than I ever was or have been to any of my grandparents due to the time they spend together.

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Not so ironically, I wrote this on my way to work. I left S with his daddy and as they both sad “bye!” I felt not one tinge of guilt for walking out the door. It feels liberating to be free of the immense working mom guilt I once carried around.

I hope any new working moms who feel guilty will also be free of that guilt, sooner rather than later. Our babies are resilient–and proud of us. Plus, they love us to no end regardless of our time at work.

We are mama. Whether together or apart. For always and always.

My little baby love was born a little over one year ago. Crazy. I truly believe time has flown faster since becoming a mom but it’s weird–time is weird– because I also feel like I’ve known him forever. I couldn’t tell you how many times I question what I did before him. He’s made me a better person, that’s for sure, and he made me a mom, for which I am eternally grateful.

And let me tell you, the lessons have been aplenty this first year of motherhood.

Here are 12 things these 12 months have taught me:

1. There is no love like this love. The love between a parent and child is incomparable. I seriously think my heart could burst some days, he makes it so full. It’s as simple as that. Even though it doesn’t feel simple at all. Love never is, I suppose. Basically, I am obsessed with him. And everyday as his his mom has been the best day of my life.

2. Marriage as parents is different. Not only is it different, it is quite challenging …but having a strong and solid foundation with my husband has made parenting a heck of a lot easier. Others realize it, too. I’m often reminded that he’s one of the “good ones.” As my grandma recently told me (in Spanish) about Tim, one good man is worth that of three. I’d have to agree.

3. Presence really is a present. I try my darnedest to stay off my phone and in the moment whenever I am around Seb. He knows when I’m not paying attention to him. He knows when I’m not fully present and after being away all day at work, the least I can do is try my best to show him I care that I’m there. Because I really do. I think about him all the time when I’m away from him.

4. Babies are amazing. Their developments are amazing. There is such a difference between months. He’s gone from sitting to standing to walking with help. If only those who make fun of baby monthly photos knew this — because really, the joke’s on them.

5. My body is amazing. I don’t mean it in a conceited way. I mean it in a “I grew a human inside of me, birthed him, fed him, and squeezed back into pre-pregnancy jeans within a month” amazing. How it did it, I’ll never know. But boy, am I in awe and forever indebted to it. And that means taking it easy on the “mom bod” guilt.

6. It’s okay to be scared but it’s good to work to get over the fears. I was scared to go alone with my baby to a breastfeeding groups and wish I’d just done it. I was too nervous to take the subway alone with him so my husband drove us round-trip (3 hours) to work one day. Until recently, I was also too scared to drive with him by myself (I’m still working on this fear). Those are just a few examples of things I had previously done that I suddenly was too scared to do as a mom. The best thing I have done is face my fears and realize I am fully capable of doing everything I can with my son. Now, taking the subway together feels more normal… and it actually makes me feel like a supermom. If you’ve ever taken the NYC subway during rush hour, you get what I mean.

7. “Mom brain” is real. I’ve forgotten my office location, my office phone number, where I’ve put things, etc. It’s actually quite funny and makes for good stories. Learning to laugh at myself and my mistakes rather than be upset over them is something I do more often now… forgiving myself for mistakes, too.

8. I know what’s best for my own child. My husband does, too… even though we will each have different styles, which is totally okay!

9. I am capable of and able to do so much more than I ever imagined. My self-confidence has grown immensely over the year. I have never felt as empowered before. I’ve never happy cried as much, either.

10. Self care is important. This means pampering myself, writing, and giving myself a break. It also means time with my girlfriends, time with my family and time with my husband. Just because I’ve become a mom doesn’t mean that’s all I am (though it is a huge part of who I am now).

11. Sleep will never be the same. We’ve woken up during the night every night for a year now… When others advise you to get all the sleep you can while pregnant, heed that advice. When others advise you to sleep when your newborn sleeps, though it might not be possible every time the baby sleeps, heed that advice.

12. My parents really love me. For that I could never thank them enough. (Note: they might even love my child more if that’s possible.) They’ve always told me they do and have shown me but I don’t think I truly understand it until I became a mom. Ashton Kutcher put it perfectly:

This has really been the best year and adventure of my life.

One Year Later: My Return-to-Work Reflections

12 Lessons in 12 Months: My First Year of Motherhood