Moments of Musing

The Journey of Motherhood: Returning to Work

Filed Under: journey of motherhood, motherhood //

Motherhood is a journey. 

This guest post is written by Laura Otton, LCSW, who has a private practice based out of Huntington, NY, specializing in all things motherhood ranging from fertility issues and pregnancy loss, to pregnancy and the postpartum period. She is running The Journey of Motherhood, a series of workshops, at The Nesting Place in West Islip NY. The fourth and final workshop, Returning to Work, is the inspiration for this post and will be held this Saturday, February 8, 2020 from 1:30-3PM. You can learn more about Laura practice and workshops by visiting her website at therapyformotherhood.com

 This is Part 4 of a four-part series. 

Working mom, working mother, maternity leave, return to work, career mom, lawyer mom, back to work, Mat leave, parental leave, postpartum


What is motherhood if not a feeling of push-pull between your children and everything else? You want a break, yet when you get one you miss them so much it hurts. You want nothing more than to be a mama, yet sometimes you miss your old life. You miss work. You miss home. Is it possible to give 100% to your children and 100% to your job? Are you compromising on both ends and feel guilty? Anxious? Overwhelmed trying to do it all? Have it all? 
Maybe you skipped away from daycare or your house feeling free from the burden of caring for your little one, only 30 minutes later have the homesick feeling of missing your baby hit you. Or perhaps it took you 20 minutes to say goodbye; you went over instructions, schedules, and precautions ten times, anxiously wringing your hands and imagining every scenario of doom…and then going to work wasn’t so bad.
Work also comes with…well, work. Bottles, packing, cleaning, pumping, formula-buying, outfit arranging, dropping off, picking up, researching the best daycares, navigating the sticky situations of in-law and parental involvement. Long commute? Baby has a cold? Traveling for work? Intrusive co-workers? Unsympathetic bosses? Awkward privacy for pumping and storing? These only add to the burden. This feels hard because it is hard.
Some of us have to go back to work. Some of us want to go back to work. Some work full-time. Others start working from home or cut back on their hours. Some walk away completely. There are endless variations, but absolutely none are free from…wait for it…mom guilt. Ugh. Guilt hangs heavy on our shoulders. We often feel it in waves, ebbing and flowing, small, then large. 
Work gives us more than a paycheck. Using your education and experience to be productive at work feels good. We receive validation and praise for a job well done. We usually know what “well done” looks like. You have tasks at a job. You check things off. You accomplish and move forward. What does this notsound like? Caring for a baby, which often feels endless and thankless, uncertain, and frustrating. 
Also, socializing! Chatting with co-workers, talking about something besides your baby’s lack of sleep and bodily functions—here’s a lot of good about work. There’s also a lot of good about being home. Parenthood isn’t easy no matter what the work situation looks like for your family. There’s no solution involving work or not working that makes parenthood easy, but there are combinations that look best for you and for your family. I emphasize this because we compare ourselves to others. We get defensive and sensitive because we can doubt and overanalyze our choices. We seek validation that we’re doing the right thing. But it has to be right for you. If your family has the luxury of being able to choose work or home for you or your partner, then you’re left with decisions to make. And it’s important to make them carefully but with confidence. 
I work with my clients on acknowledging and validating that the push/pull of baby/work is real, normal, and okay. It’s called ambivalence, and we all have it. It also is going to look different on different days. One day you may be skipping off to work, and the next you’re holding back tears at your desk (or maybe this describes the same day!). But in therapy we work on mindfulness—that buzz word so popular these days. Basically, when you’re at work, you are focused on work, mind and body. And when you leave work, you leave work, mind and body. You appreciate work. You appreciate being home. You care for yourself on those really tough days we all have. But understand that most days aren’t going to be those super tough days. Most days are okay. Feel proud of your work. Enjoy the benefits of it. And when you’re home, cherish it. Enjoy the benefits of it. Feel proud of it. And remember, this is what has to work for you and your family. Comparing your plans to others’ will only bring doubt or hollow pride (you’re doing it right, they’re doing it wrong). Therapy focuses on building your confidence so you aren’t looking to others for validation or letting doubt creep in. Another important component to strengthen is your boundary-setting with supervisors and co-workers, and advocacy so your new needs as a parent are being met—perhaps this is a clean and private area to pump, or it’s having meetings scheduled during the day so you can leave on time. We work on your relationship with your partner so you’re on more equal footing and can provide the other with needed support. We weigh pros and cons of career changes—whether that’s leaning in to a promotion or taking a step back to part-time, working from home, or taking a break all together.
There is no plan without imperfections and downsides. You are doing the best you can with what you have. In all my experience, I’ve never seen the same plan work for different families. It’s unique for you. What does this look like for you and for your family? How do you feel about it? How does your partner feel about it? Is it working for your family? Is it working for you? I urge you to carve out a quiet moment with your partner to discuss this in order to get to the root of your feelings, figure out what aspects you have control over and where you can make decisions, and then make plans or changes. Let’s see how work can work for you.

The Journey of Motherhood: Reconnecting with Your Partner

Filed Under: body image, journey of motherhood, laura otter, motherhood, postpartum body //


Motherhood is a journey. 


This guest post is written by Laura Otton, LCSW, who has a private practice based out of Huntington, NY, specializing in all things motherhood ranging from fertility issues and pregnancy loss, to pregnancy and the postpartum period. She is running The Journey of Motherhood, a series of workshops, at The Nesting Place in West Islip NY. The third workshop, Reconnecting with Your Partner, is the inspiration for this post and will be held this Saturday January 11, 2019. You can learn more about Laura practice and workshops by visiting her website at therapyformotherhood.com

This is Part 3 of a four-part series. 


As I’m creating the content for my workshop Reconnecting with Your Partner I’m realizing it’s about so much more than reconnecting (put your phones down! Sit close together on the sofa when you’re watching tv!). 

It’s about communication and our inherent need to be heard and understood. It’s about feeling attractive to the other. It’s about creating the space in our lives again for our partnership to be the foundation of the family, not a castoff side note. 

Our marriages/partnerships take work—time, energy, communication, patience, self-reflection—that is often difficult in even the best of times. But bring a new baby into the mix with the sleep deprivation, financial strain, messiness, and outside intrusions from family—and, well, no marriage can hide completely from the worst parts of ourselves being hurtled at the other. 

Think back to the last argument (heated discussion? fight?) you had with your partner. Was it over how to load the dishwasher? Who got more sleep last night? (not me! I’m the most tired!) Who gets a break from the baby when working-partner arrives home? Something a family member said? I’d challenge you to think about what the argument was really about. 

Usually it boils down to something like, “I do more work, I’m more tired, you’re not helping enough; I need you to understand how hard this is.” We all know that the best relationships have open, loving and honest communication in which each person is heard and feels validated. The problem so often is that we’re not speaking in terms of feelings when we argue. 

We throw accusations. We make lists, spoken or unspoken, of wrongs against us, and this makes it hard to see that so often both partners feel exactly the same, but are reacting in different ways—are handling the new stress of baby differently. 

It is common for new moms to feel rage, sadness, or fear they hadn’t experienced before, and the partner is the nearest and most vulnerable victim. And for the partner—he or she can feel new pressures to support or to earn, or they may feel left behind or clueless as to their new role. Both are afraid of the baby not getting the best, of the baby being hurt, of messing up. 

Addressing intimacy is also a difficult but crucial part of the work. It’s joked about how it feels impossible to ever even want to be intimate again—covered in spit-up, unshowered, exhausted, stressed, and just worn out from all the touch children require.

If you’re struggling in your relationship right now, know that you’re not alone. It is easy to see how even the best relationships are tested during this time. There are tried-and-true ways to improve the quality of communication that trickles down to your children. There are ways to weave romance and affection into the everyday. 

Your relationship can grow and strengthen as you watch the other be a parent—giving and receiving love from the child. Of course time can help relationships as the child ages and you get more sleep, but sometimes the rifts do nothing but grow as time goes on—for children will always be needing, and if the partners have turned into roommates/coworkers for the family—well, you can see where this goes. 

Love is pushed out for the sake of efficiency and avoiding disagreements. The best thing for a child is to have love from his or her family; to witness healthy communication, respect, boundary-setting, affection, and helpfulness. Working on your relationship with your partner is worth all the time, energy, and resources you can give because it is the foundation for the family. 

First, you need the right tools. Therapy can do just that—provide the tools, tweak the language, lay the groundwork—for the partnership to grow out of the postpartum period into a relationship that withstands and thrives. I’ve enjoyed creating the content for this workshop because it’s a good refresher no matter what stage you’re in. Though I still maintain I load the dishwasher the right way.

The Journey of Motherhood: Body Image

Filed Under: body image, journey of motherhood, laura otter, motherhood, postpartum body //

Motherhood is a journey. 

This guest post is written by Laura Otton, LCSW, who has a private practice based out of Huntington, NY, specializing in all things motherhood ranging from fertility issues and pregnancy loss, to pregnancy and the postpartum period. She is running The Journey of Motherhood, a series of workshops, at The Nesting Place in West Islip NY. The second workshop, Body Image, is the inspiration for this post and will be held this Saturday December 14, 2019. You can learn more about Laura practice and workshops by visiting her website at therapyformotherhood.com


This is Part 1 of a four-part series. 

Postpartum body, body image, postpartum body image, postpartum, pregnant body, self esteem, self worth, motherhood, journey of motherhood


Do you want to sell a product to a pregnant or postpartum woman? Tell her it will “get her body back” or prevent “icky” things from happening like stretch marks or a tummy pouch. 


My expertise does not lie in how we got to this place of impossible expectations that do little but denigrate a woman’s body and feed a billion-dollar industry, but I do know that mothers are so inundated with these messages starting in their own childhoods that those messages are constantly coming at her and now from her. She is the most judgmental of herself! 

Pregnancy and postpartum will open any cracks there may have been in a woman’s self-image, raising up any insecurity, any doubt, any sadness, any trauma, any violation, any negativity. And, to add insult to injury, often a woman’s physical needs are brushed aside even by professionals—a woman is told that incontinence is a normal part of being a mom, so buy some pads. Or a vaginal organ prolapse (ever heard of it?) isn’t even diagnosed much less treated. Diastasis recti (a gap in the abdominal muscles) is also accepted as normal and maybe given a shrug, if the mother is even checked for it. Hemorrhoids, hernias, back pain, painful intercourse, the list goes on. 

The postpartum body is about so much more than weight gain and stretch marks, though those certainly get the most attention (and judgment). So what’s a woman to do? All too often she suffers silently, perhaps adapting unhealthy diets or punishing exercise routines, or sometimes overeating or drinking to numb the pain and staying far away from exercise out of fear and perceived judgment, or perhaps a mix of these both in varying degrees.  

This is where my work comes in. First and foremost, every woman deserves to receive validation about what is happening to their bodies—to be heard and believed. Then, I link them to the various providers who WILL listen, who WILL help (shout out to the wonderful pelvic floor specialists out there! Chiropractors! Naturopaths!). And then on to her feelings and emotions she has about her body. What a loaded topic, one that has its roots in childhood and has crept into nearly every aspect of her day. 

I find that one of the most effective ways to get started in thinking about this is to ask two simple questions: First, how do you want your daughter to view her body? Secondly, how do you want your son to view women’s bodies? 

Starting there, the woman gathers up an ideal view of her body, a view that she doesn’t believe quite yet for herself. But she knows already that she wants her daughter to eat nourishing foods for her mind and body, exercise to gain strength and mobility, breathe to calm her mind and gather her thoughts, sleep to recharge, and, just as importantly, view others’ bodies without judgment or criticism. 

And for her son? She wants him to respect a woman’s body irregardless of its shape, its abilities, or its deviations from what society has deemed as desirable. She wants him to never objectify a woman’s body, but rather view the woman as a complete Self with strengths, intelligence, creativity, humor, and more. No where in there is disgust, judgment, loathing, punishment, or shame she may be giving herself. 

Sometimes the mother’s motivation to change her self-perception comes first from the desire to raise a son and daughter with this mindset, but she soon finds that kindness towards her body is one of the most liberating, freeing, lovely changes she can make. She starts strengthening and healing her body and mind for her own joy, not anyone else’s. 

My message is and always will be that we are all striving to accept our bodies fully and completely as perfect, while at the same time working on strengthening, nourishing, and healing to feel better. Your body has done truly amazing things. It deserves the care and attention to heal, it deserves to be treated with respect, kindness, and love. Do it not for your partner, or society, or social media, or your children. Do it for you.