Moments of Musing

The Journey of Motherhood: Reconnecting with Your Partner

Filed Under: body image, journey of motherhood, laura otter, motherhood, postpartum body //


Motherhood is a journey. 


This guest post is written by Laura Otton, LCSW, who has a private practice based out of Huntington, NY, specializing in all things motherhood ranging from fertility issues and pregnancy loss, to pregnancy and the postpartum period. She is running The Journey of Motherhood, a series of workshops, at The Nesting Place in West Islip NY. The third workshop, Reconnecting with Your Partner, is the inspiration for this post and will be held this Saturday January 11, 2019. You can learn more about Laura practice and workshops by visiting her website at therapyformotherhood.com

This is Part 3 of a four-part series. 


As I’m creating the content for my workshop Reconnecting with Your Partner I’m realizing it’s about so much more than reconnecting (put your phones down! Sit close together on the sofa when you’re watching tv!). 

It’s about communication and our inherent need to be heard and understood. It’s about feeling attractive to the other. It’s about creating the space in our lives again for our partnership to be the foundation of the family, not a castoff side note. 

Our marriages/partnerships take work—time, energy, communication, patience, self-reflection—that is often difficult in even the best of times. But bring a new baby into the mix with the sleep deprivation, financial strain, messiness, and outside intrusions from family—and, well, no marriage can hide completely from the worst parts of ourselves being hurtled at the other. 

Think back to the last argument (heated discussion? fight?) you had with your partner. Was it over how to load the dishwasher? Who got more sleep last night? (not me! I’m the most tired!) Who gets a break from the baby when working-partner arrives home? Something a family member said? I’d challenge you to think about what the argument was really about. 

Usually it boils down to something like, “I do more work, I’m more tired, you’re not helping enough; I need you to understand how hard this is.” We all know that the best relationships have open, loving and honest communication in which each person is heard and feels validated. The problem so often is that we’re not speaking in terms of feelings when we argue. 

We throw accusations. We make lists, spoken or unspoken, of wrongs against us, and this makes it hard to see that so often both partners feel exactly the same, but are reacting in different ways—are handling the new stress of baby differently. 

It is common for new moms to feel rage, sadness, or fear they hadn’t experienced before, and the partner is the nearest and most vulnerable victim. And for the partner—he or she can feel new pressures to support or to earn, or they may feel left behind or clueless as to their new role. Both are afraid of the baby not getting the best, of the baby being hurt, of messing up. 

Addressing intimacy is also a difficult but crucial part of the work. It’s joked about how it feels impossible to ever even want to be intimate again—covered in spit-up, unshowered, exhausted, stressed, and just worn out from all the touch children require.

If you’re struggling in your relationship right now, know that you’re not alone. It is easy to see how even the best relationships are tested during this time. There are tried-and-true ways to improve the quality of communication that trickles down to your children. There are ways to weave romance and affection into the everyday. 

Your relationship can grow and strengthen as you watch the other be a parent—giving and receiving love from the child. Of course time can help relationships as the child ages and you get more sleep, but sometimes the rifts do nothing but grow as time goes on—for children will always be needing, and if the partners have turned into roommates/coworkers for the family—well, you can see where this goes. 

Love is pushed out for the sake of efficiency and avoiding disagreements. The best thing for a child is to have love from his or her family; to witness healthy communication, respect, boundary-setting, affection, and helpfulness. Working on your relationship with your partner is worth all the time, energy, and resources you can give because it is the foundation for the family. 

First, you need the right tools. Therapy can do just that—provide the tools, tweak the language, lay the groundwork—for the partnership to grow out of the postpartum period into a relationship that withstands and thrives. I’ve enjoyed creating the content for this workshop because it’s a good refresher no matter what stage you’re in. Though I still maintain I load the dishwasher the right way.

The Journey of Motherhood: Body Image

Filed Under: body image, journey of motherhood, laura otter, motherhood, postpartum body //

Motherhood is a journey. 

This guest post is written by Laura Otton, LCSW, who has a private practice based out of Huntington, NY, specializing in all things motherhood ranging from fertility issues and pregnancy loss, to pregnancy and the postpartum period. She is running The Journey of Motherhood, a series of workshops, at The Nesting Place in West Islip NY. The second workshop, Body Image, is the inspiration for this post and will be held this Saturday December 14, 2019. You can learn more about Laura practice and workshops by visiting her website at therapyformotherhood.com


This is Part 1 of a four-part series. 

Postpartum body, body image, postpartum body image, postpartum, pregnant body, self esteem, self worth, motherhood, journey of motherhood


Do you want to sell a product to a pregnant or postpartum woman? Tell her it will “get her body back” or prevent “icky” things from happening like stretch marks or a tummy pouch. 


My expertise does not lie in how we got to this place of impossible expectations that do little but denigrate a woman’s body and feed a billion-dollar industry, but I do know that mothers are so inundated with these messages starting in their own childhoods that those messages are constantly coming at her and now from her. She is the most judgmental of herself! 

Pregnancy and postpartum will open any cracks there may have been in a woman’s self-image, raising up any insecurity, any doubt, any sadness, any trauma, any violation, any negativity. And, to add insult to injury, often a woman’s physical needs are brushed aside even by professionals—a woman is told that incontinence is a normal part of being a mom, so buy some pads. Or a vaginal organ prolapse (ever heard of it?) isn’t even diagnosed much less treated. Diastasis recti (a gap in the abdominal muscles) is also accepted as normal and maybe given a shrug, if the mother is even checked for it. Hemorrhoids, hernias, back pain, painful intercourse, the list goes on. 

The postpartum body is about so much more than weight gain and stretch marks, though those certainly get the most attention (and judgment). So what’s a woman to do? All too often she suffers silently, perhaps adapting unhealthy diets or punishing exercise routines, or sometimes overeating or drinking to numb the pain and staying far away from exercise out of fear and perceived judgment, or perhaps a mix of these both in varying degrees.  

This is where my work comes in. First and foremost, every woman deserves to receive validation about what is happening to their bodies—to be heard and believed. Then, I link them to the various providers who WILL listen, who WILL help (shout out to the wonderful pelvic floor specialists out there! Chiropractors! Naturopaths!). And then on to her feelings and emotions she has about her body. What a loaded topic, one that has its roots in childhood and has crept into nearly every aspect of her day. 

I find that one of the most effective ways to get started in thinking about this is to ask two simple questions: First, how do you want your daughter to view her body? Secondly, how do you want your son to view women’s bodies? 

Starting there, the woman gathers up an ideal view of her body, a view that she doesn’t believe quite yet for herself. But she knows already that she wants her daughter to eat nourishing foods for her mind and body, exercise to gain strength and mobility, breathe to calm her mind and gather her thoughts, sleep to recharge, and, just as importantly, view others’ bodies without judgment or criticism. 

And for her son? She wants him to respect a woman’s body irregardless of its shape, its abilities, or its deviations from what society has deemed as desirable. She wants him to never objectify a woman’s body, but rather view the woman as a complete Self with strengths, intelligence, creativity, humor, and more. No where in there is disgust, judgment, loathing, punishment, or shame she may be giving herself. 

Sometimes the mother’s motivation to change her self-perception comes first from the desire to raise a son and daughter with this mindset, but she soon finds that kindness towards her body is one of the most liberating, freeing, lovely changes she can make. She starts strengthening and healing her body and mind for her own joy, not anyone else’s. 

My message is and always will be that we are all striving to accept our bodies fully and completely as perfect, while at the same time working on strengthening, nourishing, and healing to feel better. Your body has done truly amazing things. It deserves the care and attention to heal, it deserves to be treated with respect, kindness, and love. Do it not for your partner, or society, or social media, or your children. Do it for you.