My move here was one of the biggest adult steps in my life. I decided to take huge risks. To accept a job contingent upon passing the bar exam of a state I am not from nor have any ties to. I decided to move away from family. I decided to pursue my career instead of moving to Hawaii for a year. I decided to live on my own by myself for the first time, in a city I know only a handful of people.

Now, of course, I am only physically alone. I have such amazing support from Tim, my family, and my best friends. I speak to all of them daily. Spriritually, I have so many people with me. But still, I come home to an apartment awaiting my arrival. I cook — quite frankly, if I feel like it — for me, myself, and I. And I watch the TV shows I want to. Now, I’d be lying if I said that I never get lonely because the reality is that sometimes I do. 

But I enjoy the alone time.

Maybe it’s because it’s the first time in my life that I’ve really gotten it. I’ve always lived at home or had a roommate but now it’s just me. And I think it’s made me more mature and more whole. While I do miss family and Tim, I think this time of being on my own is so important. It makes me appreciate my family time so much more and I think it’ll make me a better living partner when Tim moves in next summer. Tim actually also lives alone and I think it’ll make our marriage so much more successful. (In fact, Huffington Post recently published an article about alone time being a key to a successful marriage.) We’ll never get this opportunity again. 

I think I’m more able to learn new things about me and life this way.

I know some might think I’m crazy to have decided to move away from family and to live apart from my fiancé. But here I am living out my dream. And while I know it couldn’t last forever — the alone time– I also know I’ll never have to look back at this time and wonder “what if…”

When my plane landed in NY last week, I just didn’t feel like I’d arrived home. I felt more like a visitor. Was it because I’d been away for a bit? Because I was living on my own with Timmy and we’d developed our own routine and such? Or because I was apart from Timmy for the first time in a while? Would it just take time to adjust to being back here?

Those were all questions I had. And then I remembered this quote and I think it explains my feelings pretty spot on:

While I felt more “at home” after waking up in my bed, I think I didn’t feel as at home when I arrived here because my life is in a different place now. I just spent two months living with the love of my life. And I’m pretty focused on getting everything together for my Chicago move. In a way, I am kind of visiting NY to get myself sorted and spend as much time with loved ones as possible. 

Just because I don’t feel completely at home here anymore doesn’t mean I missed or love my family, friends, my house or NYC any less, though. Maybe these feelings are just a part of my growing up and moving on process. Maybe it’ll be easier to leave my hometown this way and, as such, the feelings are a blessing in disguise. 

 

“Of course, the world is spinning, always changing, and you know now that the Darkness is not really about you. It’s not a sign that you prayers aren’t strong enough, your Bible reading is a little too lax, your devotion to God is spread too thin. This is about orbit. About angle. About distance from the sun. And listen Love, change takes time . . . Deep down you know all this will be beautiful.”