Moments of Musing

Back to Our Routine

Filed Under: motherhood //


Yesterday was my first day back to work in a while. I was fortunate to have a  long weekend for the New Year holiday, and work from home a few days plus two weekends in between. We celebrated the  holiday and hosted family for about a week. 

While I absolutely LOVED being home with my little guy 24/7, I found myself feeling blah on Sunday. I was over cleaning, washing dishes and folding laundry all day everyday. I was actually looking forward to getting back into our routine. Who knew?? 

I think the both of us actually were looking forward to getting back into the swing of things, honestly– or at the very least, for fresh air! (We’d been indoors since the blizzard last Thursday.) 

Of course, I missed him all day yesterday and I miss him already today (and it’s not even 9AM) but knowing he’s enjoying his time with Nana makes me feel better. 

Now, come summer I’ll probably be singing another tune because there are so many more opportunities to be outside and enjoy the weather …during winter, not so much. 

My Pregnancy Emotions Remind me to be Grateful

Filed Under: grateful, motherhood, pregnancy, thankful //

I experienced some intense pregnancy emotions this week… so I’m just trying my best to remain present and grateful, and what better time than Thanksgiving week?

In the midst of my emotions, I’ve been reminded of a few people and things I’m extra thankful for:

  • Crying to your mom will never get old. And she might even cry with you, not necessarily because she’s feeling what you’re feeling but probably because she hates to see you upset. I am so much more grateful for my mom and dad now that I’ve become a parent myself. 

  • Having a village is pretty necessary. To vent to. To laugh with. To get help from… To take photos of you for your blog and Instagram (I’m looking at you, Tim and Lou, my Instagram Husband and Instagram Brother haha!). In all seriousness, I don’t know what I’d do without family and friends. The support does not go unnoticed. 

  • Being married to a husband who empathizes is so important. Someone who’ll hold you and rationalize what you’re feeling because you’re feeling A LOT. Pregnancy hormones are no joke–neither are postpartum ones–but having a loving partner makes navigating pregnancy (and life) so. much. easier. 

  • A toddler who doesn’t necessarily get that you’re tired or feeling sick. Said toddler will want your love and affection when he wants it. And sometimes, the go-go-go will make you feel better. Lighter. And remind you that at the end of the pregnancy experience you get another little, which is pretty darn amazing! Plus, being his mom is the best thing ever so getting off the couch to chase him feels like an honor instead of a hassle. 

  • Life. Life is a gift. Pregnancy is a gift. Everyday is a gift. 

Of course, I’m also thankful for all of you who are reading.:) Wishing you and your family a very Happy and Healthy Thanksgiving! 


The Guilt of all Mom Guilt

Filed Under: motherhood //



“The joys of motherhood,” she commented. “I feel like a failure,” I responded. And so commenced my hours-long waterworks. 


When I was pregnant, other moms told me about birth and about maternal instincts.   I read about postpartum depression and about how parenthood changes a marriage. 

What I didn’t hear or read much, if anything, about was mom guilt. This feeling of falling short of my motherhood responsibilities. Of failing my child. Of not being good enough or saavy enough, “green” enough, energetic enough. Of not being present enough, of not protecting him enough. 

Recently, the worst guilt of all mom guilt I have yet to feel crept in. (I alluded to this on my Instagram.) I felt badly. I felt sad. I felt disappointment in myself. I felt the most unworthy to be S’ mom as I ever have. 
Other moms in my life, and even friends who aren’t moms, reassured me I’m still a good mom. Things happen. It wouldn’t be a first (though I really hope it is). It wasn’t my fault. 

As much as hearing those things helped, it took/takes time to be okay with myself. To forgive myself. 

This might all sound dramatic but it’s how I felt. To be frank, I’m hard on myself–probably more than I should be. I always have been. If I didn’t get over a 90 on a test, I’d be upset. If I was at risk of not making the Dean’s List, I’d panic. When I thought I wouldn’t get into law school, I cried. Ultimately, all of those things worked out, though. 

Motherhood has presented challenges I don’t always know how to solve and questions I don’t always know the answers to. I feel unsure a lot more than I’d like to admit. But I also am much more confident in my ability to be a good mom to my child than I ever thought I would be in such a short amount of time. My son and I have learned so much together over these 16 months — together with my husband, his dad, we’ve gotten into our own rhythm and we’re figuring everything out. 

Yet even so, sometimes that dreaded mom guilt still appears. And while I know it will probably be back, I am always more than happy when it goes away each time. 

One Year Later: My Return-to-Work Reflections

Filed Under: first year of motherhood, motherhood, working mom //

t-shirt c/o | cardigan c/o


It’s been a full year back at work after maternity leave. It’s both hard to believe and easy to see how a year has gone by. Last year leading up to my return to work, I had a few bouts with anxiety. I’d never really experienced it in my adult life so it felt weird and unwelcome, for sure. 


Honestly, I thought my world was crashing and I did not want to return to work. I was scared S would forget about me and would love me less. That he would favor his dad. And that I was making a mistake. I brainstormed ways to work from home (mama still needs her money!) but ultimately, I made a plan, got dressed and went back. 

Aside from a few first day tears, it went rather seamlessly. And I’ve grown more confident in our family decision since. 

Here are some reflections I have one year later:

  1. It’s still hard to part in the mornings. 
Some mornings are easy breezy while others are more difficult. The less emotional S is when we part, the better our “see you laters” go. If I leave to work while my husband is still home or if they both leave for my parents’ house and I stay back, it’s no problem. 

If I leave for work from my parents’ house, he wants to come with. So, my mom bundles him up and we all wait for the bus, which he loves, together. Basically, we’ve found our ways to minimize the morning tantrums and it makes me feel 10x better. 

I still miss him every second we’re apart but I’ve come to terms with it and reconcile it with the fact that I simply love him very much. Heck, I sometimes even miss him when he’s asleep next to me. 

  1. I truly believe the time apart works in our favor. 
Time to myself and adult interaction is key to my self care. Fortunately, I enjoy my job and like my co-workers, so I don’t dread my time at work. I actually look forward to returning after long stretches away from my office. 

I also think S benefits from spending time with others. I believe it makes him more social and less anxious to be apart from us (I dealt with this whenever I had to be apart from my SAHM.) And the hellos after a day at work are so special–he usually runs up to me and says “Hi Mama!” with a big smile and hug. It makes me realize he loves me just the same. 

  1. I am happy to be able to do what I love and help provide for my family so we can live the life we do. 
While I miss moments with S while I’m at work, I know our family is able to experience things we wouldn’t otherwise be able to if I stayed home. That’s just the nature of life, the cost of living in NYC and the cost of travel, as well as the life we want to give ourselves and our kids. 

My husband and I are often discussing what city or continent we want to visit next, home ownership, and other things that require –at least at the moment– two salaries. We do discuss the prospect of me staying home sometime in the future but I don’t think I ever would full-time. 

The truth is I’m a nerd–I yearn for challenges, new opportunities and ongoing learning… So, I believe I will always work in some capacity. 

  1. It wouldn’t be possible without the support of my mom, who watches S, which eases my nerves tenfold. 
Leaving S home with my mom is a blessing. I am able to leave with no worries about his care and know he is in good hands. It helps me to know she’s supportive of my career goals. I give her so many kudos for spending all day chasing a toddler in her “retiree” years. But I know she and S enjoy their time together very much. And I know they’ll be closer than I ever was or have been to any of my grandparents due to the time they spend together. 

——-

Not so ironically, I wrote this on my way to work. I left S with his daddy and as they both sad “bye!” I felt not one tinge of guilt for walking out the door. It feels liberating to be free of the immense working mom guilt I once carried around. 

I hope any new working moms who feel guilty will also be free of that guilt, sooner rather than later. Our babies are resilient–and proud of us. Plus, they love us to no end regardless of our time at work. 
We are mama. Whether together or apart. For always and always. 


When he reaches for my hand…

Filed Under: motherhood //

Lately, I have been exhausted when I get to my parents’ house after work. My mom watches S, which I am SO grateful for, so I stop by there everyday, spend time with everyone, eat dinner and we leave to our home.
Usually, S runs to the door when I arrive and gives me a big hug accompanied by some squeaking and “Mama!” It’s the best thing ever. It truly makes up for the long days we spend apart. Then, the evening consists of him reaching for my hand over and over again, and trying to bring me along with him to play with him or simply sit with him.

Most times, I happily oblige. Because I want to spend time with him and want him to know I’ve missed him like he’s missed me. Sometimes, though, I drag my feet and take longer than he’d like me to or I tell him I’m eating and that I’ll play in a few minutes.

To that, he usually whines or cries.

It makes me feel bad because usually, he doesn’t behave like that all day with my mom. And then I came across this article. And it clicked. It made sense–and it also made me sad and feel slightly bad. He whines because he wants my attention and rightfully so.
So, from now on, I am making a more conscious effort to be fully present when I get home for work. To get my butt off the couch and onto his play mat. So he knows I’ve missed him, even more than he’s missed me.
And because I know in my heart there will be days when he’s grown older and I will long for him to still constantly reach for me.

So, when he reaches for my hand, I will take it and I will follow him. I will go play with him or sit with him. We’ll talk about our days and pick up right where we left off in the morning.